It's All About the Benjamins, Baby!

I don't really have a plan for this post, I thought I would just do like a stream of conscious type thing.  For starters, I have officially fallen off the fitness wagon, which (let's face it) I was precariously perched upon from the get-go.  I am just not a routine exercise person.  I love playing sports and hiking, but if it is something that I have to do everyday and I feel like I have to force myself to do it, I can't convince my self that it is worthwhile.  So, I am trying to find alternatives to stay active that don't include a monotonous and mandatory regime.  I am eating healthy and walk up and down the stairs as opposed to scooting down on my ass.  That's gotta count for something, right?

Now's the time in my program where I bitch about how insensitive my husband can be.  We were out to dinner the other night and I had just finished off my 2nd Ultimate Margarita.  (Mmmmmm, margarita, on the rocks, no salt)  He was blathering away about what a waste of space our spare bedroom was and that we never used it, yada yada, when I casually stated that it wouldn't be that way forever.  And, by the way, when were we going to start talking about having children?  Well, do you know what the b-stard said?  And I quote, "If you want to have a baby, you're going to have to start contributing more financially."  I was speechless!  He is the only person I know who could take a nonchalant question about the future of our family and reduce it to an economic issue that had to do with my "inadequate" income.  As if I was talking about a new TV or pair of diamond earrings, some luxury item that I would have to save-up for.  That I was asking his permission to have his child, please, please , please, I promise I'll make more money!  And he would say, "Okay dear, but only if you're good and work real hard."  I mean, WTF?  So, whatever, he tried to play it off like I misunderstood what he meant, which is his usual cop-out, but let's just say I had to wear an extra pair of socks to bed cuz damn, there was an icy chill in our house that night.

Moving on... these last two weeks have seemed to be suspended in time.  You know you're in trouble when you wake up every day of the week, including Monday, and think it's Friday.  There has just been an enormous amount of activity taking place at work, lots of things are changing or will be changing, I don't feel appreciated for all the extra work I do and to top it off, I got a verbal ass-chewing for having a bad attitude because I wouldnt bend over backwards to accommodate some last minute publicity scheme!  Gimme a freakin' break, I can't be Mary Sunshine all the time, aren't I allowed to have an off day?  It's not like I brought a machine gun to work and started gunning people down.  But, whatever, I am taking it in stride and assuring myself by standing in front of the mirror and repeating, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, most people like me!"  

On the up side, I am hoping that in the time slot I should be working out, I will be more diligent about posting on my blog because I have come to realize it is the most affordable form of therapy I can handle.  And since I have to save every penny if I want to have the honor of bearing my husband's children, I 'll need all the help I can get!

Jell-o Jiggler

In the attempt to have a body that doesn't clear the beach this summer, I have slowly but surely been adhering to and building up a work-out routine.  It's been 3 weeks and I am up to 4 times a week.  You might think, "So?", but take into consideration I have had a previous work out schedule of 2 times a year!   Slow and steady wins the race, right? Now, lest you give me more credit than I deserve, when I say "work-out" I am referring to the 30-45 minute "Biggest Loser" DVD that has become my own personal trainer. Never watched the show, but I could relate with the title, so I am giving it a try; alternating with another DVD  I had already. And man does it kick your butt!  I detest going to the gym; the harsh lighting, the gawking, grunting, squatting men and skinny bitches in spandex with their cute little iPods.  I know some would say, "Hey, it's motivation!" I on the other hand would prefer to jiggle in the sanctity of my own home.  The only glances I attract are from my lazy cats (it's not like they couldn't stand to lose a few) and my mirror only reflects my body from the chest up!  It's a win-win!  Hopefully all this will lead to a more healthy life-style and more importantly feeling comfortable in something other than a mu mu. 

I have always had a problem with my weight and finding a healthy balance between diet and exercise.  As a teenager I struggled with bulimia, I would run 7-8 miles, eat next to nothing, then throw-up when I did.  Gross, right?  But, I couldn't help it.  I finally put that behind me, but it is a constant fear that lingers.  I tend to go to extremes when it comes to my body and I hope I can maintain a balance now that I am older and (supposedly) wiser.  Wow, that was heavy!  (bad choice of words!) 

 I just realized as I am sitting here pouring out my darkest secrets that my next-door neighbor is scaling my fence looking for his dog that has apparently escaped, again! It's a beautiful husky that I think must be his girlfriend's, because it only comes over every once in a awhile, but he doesn't stay put for long.  As long as he doesn't doody on my lawn or eat our fish, I don't mind.  But it is funny watching this guy try to wrangle him in.   Anywhoo... wish me luck,  and lots of love to everyone else out there who is in the midst of the timeless "Battle of the Bulge!"

An Amazon in Lumpa Land

I have finally emerged from the virtual black hole I have been calling home.  I don't know why my enthusiasm to write was so stunted, maybe I felt like I didn't have anything important to say.  But now that no one is probably going to read this, it doesn't really matter.  Actually I have just been lazy and not feeling at the top of my game.

I just remembered something funny that happened this weekend.  I had quite the "Amazonian" moment at my local Vons.  I was casually perusing the produce section for some avocados in my flip-flops and sundress, when I was approached by an employee.  Now, I say "approached," but it was more like hunted down.  He was across the room stocking some tomatoes and felt the need to make a bee-line towards me. He was like a lion hunting his prey and before I knew it, he was upon me. Wide-eyed and mouth agape, he sidled up beside me.  An important note to make is that as a tall girl- 5'11- I have grown accustomed to the idiotic questions and banter ("Duh, you must have played basketball" or "Garsh, are you a model?" or some other completely boneheaded statement that has nothing to do with me as a person!) that harangue a woman of my stature during introductions, however when a complete stranger comes up to me and begins making asinine remarks, it tends to really irritate me.  So, as I am trying to choose an avocado worthy of my famous guacamole, this man, all 5'4 of him comes up to me and in a heavy Mexican accent asks, "Geez, how tall are you?! and you're not even wearing heels."  He then embarks on a 5 minute rant about how tall I am and that I never have to wear high heels and how tall I am!  Oy!  I did my best to be civil and brush him off as soon as possible, but he just wouldn't let it go.  I mean, I don't go up to short people and ask them how short they are and go on about how cute their little feet are, and I don't go up to really obese people and say, "Wow, you are so fat, how much do you weigh?"  Why is it perfectly acceptable to oggle  tall people?  I understand that if you are "vertically challenged" and wish you were taller, you would envy a tall person.  But I wish I had bigger boobs, that doesn't mean I go up to women with a nice rack and ask them their bra size and cop a feel!  I guess I should take it as a compliment, but sometimes it makes me feel like a Ripley's Believe It or Not Attraction.  So, power to the tall women and the short men who admire them! (But, hey Men, admire from a distance!)

Up the Stakes!

I just finished watching one of my favorite shows: MXC- Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.  I actually came across the original when I was living in Norway (which was dubbed in German for some reason) and a few years ago found the English dubbed version, which is hysterical!  I can't be the only one who love all these Japanese game shows because they keep popping up everywhere.  I think American TV needs to take some direction from these programs and keep up with the times.  You can't just play word puzzles or guessing games, you have to put your life on the line!  It's like that Schwarzenegger movie, Running Man.  American Gladiators and Fear Factor has come close, but I need a little more on the line than going up against roided-out meat heads and eating vile concoctions.  So, I was thinking about some of the ways we could re-vamp our shows to be a more competitive form of entertainment with our eastern brothers and sisters.

- The Apprentice would become Which Appendage?

- Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?/ Are You Quicker Than an Angry Gator?

- Dancing with the Stars/ Dancing with Jaguars

- Who Wants to be a Millionaire?/ Who Can Live Longer Without Air?

- Deal or No Deal/  Meal or No Meal (Choose the case with the most food)

- The Moment of Truth/  The Moment of Truth (Except you are connected to electrical circuits, if you lie, you get zapped!)

- American Idol/ Outrun a Tidal (Wave)

Okay, now I'm stretching!  But you know what I mean. I guess it's not fair cuz I don't watch any of those shows, but I think I would if producers would take a cue from these more outrageous programs, they could really be on to something.  And maybe relieve a little problem I call "over-population."  What? Did I go too far?  Ahhhhh, I am a little buzzed right now.  I had to bitch-slap my husband for messing with my socks.  I mean come on, who pulls off a woman's sock?  Honestly! Just when I had maintained the perfect mean body temperature.   

Anywhoo, if you are as enthralled as a I am by the willingness of people to brutalize their bodies for entertainment there is some great stuff out there!  Check out : Human Tetris or  MXC . It's all good fun, ladies and yentleman!

Los Gatos

I just realized that I have never posted any pics of the characters who actually run my house.  Of course, they let my husband and I believe we are in charge, but when it comes down to it, we are just mindless robots who do their bidding.  Here they are on their pimp chair.  I could probably make a fur sweater out of all the hair that has collected in its dark crevices.  Is there a market for cat hair sweaters?  We adopted them about 7 months ago, so their past is a little sketchy.  They had to do some things on the street that they aren't proud of but we love them unconditionally and are helping them work through their issues.  They look so innocent don't they?  But I think we are only instruments for their eventual take-over of the world.  I could go on all day about my cats, but I won't.  If you'd like to hear more you can send me a special request and I'd be happy to oblige.  I won't go so far as starting their own blog, which apparently some pet owners do, but they have a special sort of club that I don't think I am hip enough to be a part of.  (I love ending sentences with prepositions!  Hah, take that high school English teachers!)  

It is my second day of being off work and I am already bored.  Plus I think I gained about 5 lbs. from watching so much Food Network.  Now, granted I love those cooking shows, but I can't help thinking that we have an entire channel dedicated to food and cooking. No wonder Americans are viewed as greedy and capitalistic.  Here we are cooking and wasting food for entertainment when there are millions of people in the world who are dying of starvation.  I mean, honestly, unless all that prepared food is going to a soup kitchen, I can only assume it feeds the crew or winds up in the trash bin.  I am not trying to be all righteous, ( I don't think it's even possible) I guess I was just feeling guilty today.  My soapbox was getting a little dusty so I had to clean it off  and give it some love.   Stay tuned for more meaningless rants and raves ...

Fresh Meat!

It is kind of sad that I already consider my meat old!  That doesn't sound right at all!  The meat I am referring to, is Blog Meat.  A very good friend of mine just started her own blog about the adventures of preschool teacherdom.  She is really great and  I think you should check her out at Preschoolers Gone Wild.  We are co-teachers for a class of 3-year-olds, I know, they actually let me teach children.  Actually I just play and yell all day, but it is an exact science.  40% Play and 60% Yell.  

That's all for now... I am beat!  Buenas Noches Bitches!

Fresh Meat

Peep Show!

Greetings my loyal subjects!  (Don't mind my self-flattery, just a little validation to keep me getting out of bed in the AM)  I haven't had anything to bitch about lately and realized that I don't just have to write about grievances.  So, in current news...

I am 90% convinced that aliens have snatched my husband and replaced him with a replicant!  There is no other way to explain his drastic change in attitude and outlook! He is funny, goofy, sweet and treating me like his loving wife. (I'm pretty sure he hasn't picked up any new drug habits)  But, I  find myself on edge waiting for the  day the aliens realize what they got themselves into and send my original husband's ass hurtling back to earth!  I have been trying to relax and enjoy this new-found peaceful vibe, without worrying how long it will last.  I am hoping if I can just believe it, it will be permanent!  

In other news, I don't have to work next week!  Hallelujah, praise Odin!  A whole week to sleep past sunrise, drink a cup of tea in my jammies and enjoy the peace and quiet!  Except for the occasional freight train that blows through my backyard wailing on its horn, things are pretty mellow out here.

Don't have any plans for Easter.  We don't have kids and I am not what you would call the "religious type"  so I think we'll just be lazy and eat a box of Peeps!  Man, those things are gross, but it's tradition.

I am excited because it is Wednesday and that means Top Chef is on.  I am so glad they planned it to take the place of Project Runway because I would have had a hard time making it over Hump Day without it!

I won't bore you with anymore menial information, just wanted to check in and make sure you didn't forget about me!  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and enjoyed the Peep show!

Do You Ever Feel Like Curly?

Another Year Bites the Dust!

Cheers!  Happy Birthday to Me!

After being sick all last week, my birthday extravaganza has included a lunch at CPK (that's California Pizza Kitchen to the layman) and shopping with a gift card I received for Christmas.  I'm not complaining, I'm quite content with the lack of festivity. I would rather horde my money than blow it all on a party or force my friends to go to an over-priced dinner.  In these trying times I really feel it is best for everyone if we just let it go.  Besides, they can make it up to me on my 30th!  

It was actually an emotionally enlightening weekend.  In my previous post I alluded to some life-changing decisions that would coincide with my birthday, which I had forgotten about due to the incessant ringing in my ear and the flow of mucus pouring out of my nose and the infected sinus-induced haze (TMI, I know.)  I was going to make that, like, the longest run-on sentence ever, but I didn't have it in me.  Anyways, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, life-changing yada- yada...  Without even realizing it, I let go of some major resentment I had been holding towards my husband.  One of the reasons I have been so worried about the success of our marriage was that I was mentally unable to release the anger and resentment I was feeling towards him.  I thought it was going to be one of those things that would perpetually hinder us from moving forward ( and more importantly, getting FREAAKY!)  I woke up on Saturday, it was like any other day, and went about my business.  You know, making the bed, having some tea, scrubbing the skidmarks off the carpet where my cat dragged his ass, typical Saturday morning.  Only this Saturday when my husband went out to clean our fish pond, I actually wanted to go sit outside with him.  I know I talk a lot of shit, and I mean most of it, but in my heart I really love the guy and I know he loves me.  I don't know if the virus affected my brain somehow, but for the first time in about a year, I really enjoyed his company.  We spent the day relaxing, went to dinner and a movie, we held hands, and are you ready for this?  I not only got to 3rd base, I went all the way!  And I wasn't even drunk!  The next day I told him I didn't want to be angry anymore and I was ready to forgive him.  I really hope this is a turning point in our relationship and we can remember what it was like to be in love.  Ahhhhh, that's amore!

Oh, but don't worry, I am still going to torture him and plan malevolent pranks to inflict upon him, however they will all be conceived and orchestrated with love!  As Mr. Burns would say,"Exxccellent."

The Diet-Coke of Evil, Only One Calorie, Not Evil Enough!

I was cracking myself up today thinking about what a bitch I am!  Here's the story...  I have a few hours to myself before my husband gets home from work (which is a godsend!) and sometimes I like to mess with him.  It only works because he is an anal, obsessive, Predictable, perfectionist and I take full advantage of this knowledge. Imagine that psycho husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy" but taken down a notch.  I know he would never pick a physical fight with me, because I could kick his scrawny ass, so I inflict a little mental warfare!  Instead of getting cheesed off when he follows behind me and straightens everything out the way he likes it, I mess things up on purpose.  Now, I'm not talking leaving laundry on the floor or God forbid, dishes in the sink, (he would probably put me in the village stocks), just subtle things that would not be noticeable to the normal human eye.  So, every once in awhile, as was the case yesterday, I play a little poltergeist. Get this, I decided to move the coasters to the side of our coffee table and, (are you ready for this?  I am so devious!) I skewed the dish towel that hangs on the oven door so that it hung uneven.  Now, I know in some countries I could be stoned for this kind of behavior, but the satisfaction I get is soooo worth it!  Here comes the best part.  So, I'm sitting on the couch and I hear his keys in the door , ooooo, I am gonna get him so good!  He walks in looks at me, says "Hi" and goes to the kitchen to set his stuff down, and this is how sick he is.  Before he even turns on the light, he drops his keys on the counter and goes to fix the towel!  I can tell he is a little annoyed and I try not to crack a smile.  When he comes into the living room, he looks around and I see a little squint, like he is thinking really hard.  I know, he knows something is out of place, but he can't figure out what it is. He walks over to the couch and before he says anything, he picks up the coasters, lines them up with the middle of the table (I was surprised he didn't get a compass) and sets them down.  He scours the room once more for anomalies, then proceeds to go upstairs to get on the computer. I didn't conceal my smirk as he diminished into the Bat Cave, but my satisfaction did raise some internal questions.   Is this passive-aggressive behavior wrong?  Taking advantage of one's handicaps for entertainment?  Am I a loser or what for getting such a kick out of this?  Man, I really need to get a life!  Then I watched the season finale of Project Runway and got over it.  However, I am already concocting my next evil scheme: "Operation Leave Dresser Drawer Ajar." Set to commence in early April, it will prove to be my most ambitious endeavor thus far! Sometimes my malisciousness frightens me!

Man, all this evil genius work is making me hungry,  I wish I had some Thin Mints!

Can't a Sister Get Some Peace?

I have been sick for awhile and haven't had the energy to do anything productive, unless sleeping and flipping between the Food Network and HGTV are considered productive.  Came down with some sort of sinus infection that I am soooo over having.  But I thought I should start doing some cardio, hence the typing!  It counts, right?  I am sure it has a lot to do with the sickness, but I have been in a slump lately.  On top of that Mr. Grumpo has been busting my balls.  I thought I might be able to get some insight on something I am really stubborn about.  I have always kept in touch with my ex-es.  Not like meting up and hanging out, but talking or emailing just to see where their lives have taken them.  This is extremely offensive to my husband.  It in no way ever presents itself to him unless he takes it upon himself to go through my phone.  Which was the case last week.  The sneaky bastard actually went through my text messages, lied about it to trap me, them tried to turn it around on me!  As if!!! This issue has come up before and I let him know that I wasn't comfortable cutting people out of my life because he said so.  It passed, but has reared its ugly head once again.  He can't seem to understand why I keep these people in my life and sees it as a very disrespectful act on my and their part to continue.  I have really thought about why I feel so strongly about this subject and have come to the conclusion that: 1. I haven't had very many male figures in my life that I have trusted and 2. I just don't have it in me to cut someone off that I care about.  there is no possibility for a re-kindling of the relationship, I just like to know how they are doing, and it helps to talk with people who were with you at different points in your life to better understand how I am now.  Mr. Possessive doesn't get it and weeps that it really hurts his feelings.  Honestly, I don't care.  I know I am a bitch for saying that, but I don't.  I just want him to shut-up and leave me alone!  Is that too much to ask from a marriage?  Anyways, I am sure if I were a bigger and more well-adjusted person, it wouldn't even be an issue, but this is one of those things I really stick to my guns on.  Whew, I think I feel a few beads of sweat!  Target Heart rate achieved.  

I have a feeling any day now he is going to be off on one of his idiotic rants and I am just going to punch him in the face.  Not say a damn word, just punch him in his ever-running mouth!  Ahhhh and then, sweet silence.  

I have a birthday coming up and it has really forced me to confront some things and I feel like I need to make a decision one way or another, none of this back and forth, one foot in the door and the other out.  It is too exhausting.  So, who knows, this next week could be life-changing.  

Mommy, I want to get off the see-saw now!

Well, then!  I started with the antidepressants again, but I don't think I am completely back to normal, well, not normal, but at least the way I was before.  And thank Thor I did, because my confusion and self-doubt is worse than ever.  A little background might help.  Around the end of December I planned to move out of my house and take a break from my husband.  After packing up all my things, putting a deposit on an apartment and resigning myself to the fact that I had a made yet another mistake in my life, I couldn't go through with it.  I decided to stay and try to work it out.  Since then, I 've not been able to get past  the things that  happened between my husband and I that made me decide to leave in the first place.  I know, vague, right...but I don't have the energy to get into right now.  So, everyday since that pivotal moment has been an absolute struggle.  He has actually been bearable, yet I can't seem to help feeling like the life is being drained out of me whenever I am near him.  Plus, you would think that after an emotional drama, like almost moving out, there would be this other-worldly make-up period.  But no, nothing.  I think I am finally ready to admit to myself that the reason I didn't leave was fear.  I am afraid to get divorced, I am afraid I won't make it financially on my own and I am afraid to start over.  What a way to live!  The reason my marriage hasn't improved is because my heart isn't in  it, I know now for sure that I am /will be leaving for the right reasons when I finally dust off my cajones.  I feel guilty for not being able to give him my love, but isn't it better for both of us to just move on? I'm just rambling now and I am exhausted. Is it wrong to expect a 40 year-old man to possess a bit of maturity and throw less than 3 tantrums a day!?  I work with kids and I can handle it when a toddler is freaking out, but not when it is the person I am going to have to spend the rest of my life with.  He always brings up the argument that  I made a commitment when we got married.  He's right, but I didn't really know what I was getting into and I don't even like the person he is now.  Isn't there some sort of clause, like the "you turned into a total nut-case after we got married-clause?"  I promised my self I wouldn't sit down and complain cuz there are a lot of people out there with some real problems, but what the hell. I am the guest of honor at my own pity party and I am going to enjoy it.  I just at a big bowl of ice cream (it was fat-free so I only feel half as bad about it) and now i am going to have a glass of wine or 7.  If you read all of that I feel like I should end on a positive note, so let me think.  Ummm, I had a great idea for a story last night, so I was excited.  I would like to publish some children's books someday, so when I say stories, that's what I mean.  Nothing like a novel or anything adult like that! 

Well, Mr. I've Got My Panties in a Wad just got home so I am gonna jump in the shower then hide my nose in a book.  Until next time my lovelies, I bid you adieu! 

Tagged by a MEME?

Whatever the hell that means, it must be some blogger lingo I am not hip enough  to be down and jiggy with.  But since Stephanie sent it, I will do it, cuz let's face it, I would do anything that woman asked me to!  So here's the schtick...

 1) Link to the person who tagged you.   Stephanie

2) Post the rules.

3) Share 6 non-important things/ habits/quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least 3 people.

5) Be sure the people you tagged know you tagged them by commenting that you did.

Wow, 6 things... this could take awhile. Ummmm, let's see

1. When I was 19 I met my true love.  Being my first real boyfriend I was devastated to find out he was moving back to his native Norway.  Being the devoted lover I am, I went with him.  I stayed there for about a year and a half before returning home broken-hearted.  But if I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing.

2. I used to love to eat mac'n'cheese with crunched up Doritos.  Mmmm, cheesy! Now if I even smelled it I would probably gain 5 lbs.

3. This is harder than I thought, I'm not very interesting!  I've tried all sorts of diets, but the weirdest one had to be where I would eat cereal for breakfast, a bagel with cream cheese, carrots and a diet Coke for lunch, then I would run 5 miles and come home and eat a can of beans.  I was a vegetarian at the time and needless to say a little gassy!  It's no Nutrisystem, but it worked.  (Although I don't believe it is doctor recommended)

4. I love older men!  If they have a grey streak, oh mama!  Sam Elliot, Richard Dean Anderson, Pierce Brosnan, Jon Stewart... whew, is it getting hot in here?

5. I can't stand romantic-comedies, there is something about them that makes me cringe and throw-up a little in my mouth.  Give me an action flick any day!

6. I still sing in my car and I don't give a shit if anyone sees me!  I smile and keep on belting it out, because let's face it, at least the dying cat is contained!  It's really a public service.

Alrighty then, I hope that was mildly entertaining because that literally took me a half hour!  So I am tagging my new friends at  kyddryn, Catherine, and Catwoman

I hope I did that right.

First Date (Again)

Well, after some sound advice from friends and deep thinking of my own, I came to the conclusion that the world will be a better place if I stay on my meds.  I feel good about it and I think that is what's important.  One less depressed woman in the world is good for everyone!

In other news, my husband and I went out on a "date" last night for the first time in about 4-5 months.   By date, I mean we went to dinner without the buffer of friends to tune out the silence between us.  I have to admit, it was pretty painful.  Besides the fact that 90% of the time I sat staring at the goings-on of the restaurant and trying to find a happy place, the conversation we did have consisted of ridiculously mundane and forced context.  After all this time, he doesn't have a clue who I am.  I will say, he has been trying to be a positive, less critical version of himself, but even these things can't disguise the fact that we just don't have anything in common.  Add to that the lack of attraction, and basically I am living with my brother!  If I wasn't so financially challenged I would find a peaceful way to separate, but for the time being I am trying to hold on to that glimmer of hope that some magical unicorn will wake me from my dreams and give me the ability to love my husband.  However the daunting reality of starting over in the real world frankly exhausts even thinking about it.  Unless of course, Jon Stewart suddenly becomes available.  How I would love to hit that!  Anyways, I have been finding other activities that keep me busy, happy and creative.  I am more diligent with my writing (obviously not here), there has been big news at work that has gotten me excited for things to come and I am surrounded by some really beautiful, smart, funny and caring women (which I am extremely thankful for.)  It is actually the first time in my life where I have regular interaction with that ever-elusive female creature, and it makes such a positive difference.  Back to my writing, I have really found comfort in spending time elaborating on ideas I had previously just jotted down with the thought of getting to "someday."  I am really trying to focus on me and what makes me happy, which I haven't ever really done because it has always been about somebody else.  So in conclusion  I would like to say that women rule and I am truly inspired by all the blogs I have been introduced to.  I want to share a quote I found in on of my journals from highschool, that I have always really loved and but never truly believed I had in myself, until now!  Unfortunately I don't know the author, but if anyone does, please share....

There is a greatness waiting for you.  We are busy, we are distracted, we are cynical, but this greatness waits.  This greatness finds you in a moment, unlikely or untimely and suddenly you find yourself connected to humanity in a way that shocks you.  And this greatness will hold you up so high and strong that any previous version of yourself seems flimsy.

I am still waiting for my moment, but I know it is out there and the prospect of it gives me hope and passion to pursue my dreams.

Finally!

Jeez Louise!  Finally back to the computer.  My husband had a friend over for a few days and they practically commandeered the studio!  

 So, as I have been reading more and more blogs, I am feeling a little inadequate. Do they have anything for "Blog Envy"?  I have been writing little snip-its here and there, but most of you guys (who are moms no less)  write paragraphs of content.  Maybe I am not as interesting as I thought I was!  However, I am trying to push through my self-diminishing thoughts and continue on in my great Blog adventure.

  So, in my effort to live a more natural and healthy life, I have been weaning myself off of my anti-depressants.  Things were going well, "were" being the operative word, until about yesterday.  Now, I think it is important to note that my depression is not psychological, but chemical (at least that is what my doctor told me) and runs in my family.  Basically we are all NUTS!  I am a happy, care-free, life-loving individual, but (and this is a big but) when I am not on my medication I will cry and not want to get out of bed for no reason whatsoever.  And based on my experience, this is not a very productive way to live.   So, like I said, things were going well until yesterday, it was about a week since I had my last fix of the meds, when I was sitting at a stop light on my way home from work and things just kind of stopped.  Have you ever had a moment (when you were sober) when it seems like the powers that be just pushed the Pause button?  So, I am sitting in my car and I felt like I had just been asked to solve the African AIDS epidemic.  I had such an overwhelming feeling of pressure and anxiety, my eyes welled-up right there.  I had to snap back to reality when the car behind me honked its horn because the light was green.  I managed to make it home and safely to my bed where I tried to remind myself that I was a big girl and could handle this.  So, anyways, now I am having doubts as to whether or not this whole clean living thing was such a good idea!  I am hoping that if I give it a little more time things will get better...

Can I Get a Woo-Woo?

I just wanted to make a blanket "Thank You" to all the peeps that stopped by on account of Stefanie's blog.  She is an awesome woman!  So I hope to make many new friends and look forward to hearing more about all of you!  Hope everyone is having a cheap, relaxing, no-expectation filled Valentine's and let us be thankful it only comes once a year!  I suggest an unofficial boycott of this "holiday," it's just one of those things I can't really get behind. (Unless you're a parent, then it's good for the kids, but come on people, do you really need a $7 card, chocolates and over-priced flowers to make you feel loved?)  Now, Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept.19), that is a day I can really support.  Nobody is expecting anything from you, you don't have to spend a dubloon if you choose and if anything, personal hygiene can be tossed to the wind.  So, I'll remind you, when it comes around next year, but I think with a little more public awareness we could take Pirate Day national.  Could you imagine that Hallmark card?  

Aaaaaargh, Just so's ye know,

Ye be a fair lass

What ye lack in teeth,  aaaaargh,

Ye make up with ass.

Now, that's romantic!

Cat Crazy

I have also come to the stark realization that this may very well be me in the near future.  I talk more about my cats than anything else. It is quite disturbing actually!  I am going to be that woman who lives in a house covered with ivy, has 45 cats ( all named Fluffy) and speaks gibberish.  Actually, when I look at it that way, it doesn't sound so bad!  

Coming Out of the Dark!

No, not the song... I mean to use it as a metaphor.  I am hoping to use this platform to mediate some of the current and on-going issues that I've had on my mind.  In a word SEX!  There I said it.  So, my husband (of a year and a half) and I have not been intimate (to be PC) since September.  At first it was his lack of interest that led to our dry spell (which has now become a drought-producing desert!), but as the months have drug on I find myself unable to imagine even having to kiss him let alone performing any sort of sexual deviation!  Now, needless  to say my feelings are based on certain things that have happened over the course of our relationship, which I won't bore you with now, that I just can't get myself to get over!  I found myself lying in bed last night trying to sleep when I realized I have no freakin' idea what I am going to do!  Depending on the day I am either looking for a new place to move or convincing myself that we will work it out!   So, on the all too familiar occasion when I am lying in bed considering lesbianism, I tend to have random revelations.  Here is one I will share... sorry I couldn't think of a better transition...

When I wake up in the morning it is still  dark outside, so I stumble to my bathroom to get ready.  Coming from complete darkness, I turn on the light and am blinded.  I have to cover my eyes, blink a few times and then gradually I am able to take in and focus on the things around me.  So, friends, this is where the brilliant metaphor comes in...  When I met my husband he was perfect I didn't see who he really was; I was in the dark.  After we got married, he flipped the switch and I was rudely blinded by that damn light!  Everything came flooding in. At this point in our marriage I feel like I am still in the blinking stage, I don't know what is what but things are beginning to become clear.  And I hope to Hesus that I obtain some focus soon!  Does that make sense?  It did when I thought about it last night, but then again I had also downed some muscle relaxers with a shot of vodka.

I Need Another Fix

So, I am quickly coming to the realization that I am going to be an addict.  To posting, that is!  Wah wa!  I am discovering that my lack of social and communication skills can be overcome through writing.  By putting my thoughts and feelings out to the scrutiny of complete strangers, I have no choice but to be confident in what I am saying.  I am well aware, however, that most  things will be complete gibberish to anyone but myself.  But there is the slim chance that there is an individual out there who will see this and think, " Hey, I know exactly what she means!"  Regardless, being able to see my insanity in text gives me a certain comfort.  So, as I am trying to decide the course my life will take over the next few months, I think I will have a lot to contribute to this little blog o' mine.  Be it my career ( or lack thereof), or my marriage (or lack thereof) or what I should do with my hair I look forward to this avenue of self-expression and complete freedom that I feel is stifled in other aspects of my life.  So, onward and upward...

Popping the Cherry

Wow, my first blog post, I feel so worldly!  I finally felt it was time for me to jump on the blog bandwagon.  I successfully avoided this newfangled contraption up until a couple weeks ago when I looked at a friend's blog and was inspired! (Cue choir of Angels!)  This was the perfect outlet for all the ignored feelings and thoughts I produce on a daily basis.  Here I would have the semblance of some reciprocation for what I consider to be valuable , if not life changing, opinions.  So, in my ever elusive quest to find myself and say, "Hey, you're alright," I'm going to try the healing powers of "The Blog."  Hey, at least I won't contract any open sores...