When I wake up in the morning it is still dark outside, so I stumble to my bathroom to get ready. Coming from complete darkness, I turn on the light and am blinded. I have to cover my eyes, blink a few times and then gradually I am able to take in and focus on the things around me. So, friends, this is where the brilliant metaphor comes in... When I met my husband he was perfect I didn't see who he really was; I was in the dark. After we got married, he flipped the switch and I was rudely blinded by that damn light! Everything came flooding in. At this point in our marriage I feel like I am still in the blinking stage, I don't know what is what but things are beginning to become clear. And I hope to Hesus that I obtain some focus soon! Does that make sense? It did when I thought about it last night, but then again I had also downed some muscle relaxers with a shot of vodka.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Coming Out of the Dark!
No, not the song... I mean to use it as a metaphor. I am hoping to use this platform to mediate some of the current and on-going issues that I've had on my mind. In a word SEX! There I said it. So, my husband (of a year and a half) and I have not been intimate (to be PC) since September. At first it was his lack of interest that led to our dry spell (which has now become a drought-producing desert!), but as the months have drug on I find myself unable to imagine even having to kiss him let alone performing any sort of sexual deviation! Now, needless to say my feelings are based on certain things that have happened over the course of our relationship, which I won't bore you with now, that I just can't get myself to get over! I found myself lying in bed last night trying to sleep when I realized I have no freakin' idea what I am going to do! Depending on the day I am either looking for a new place to move or convincing myself that we will work it out! So, on the all too familiar occasion when I am lying in bed considering lesbianism, I tend to have random revelations. Here is one I will share... sorry I couldn't think of a better transition...
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4 comments:
I am so sorry...and I know just what you mean. Seven and a half years into it, I have no idea why I am still in the game. I have many unflattering thoughts about why that is, but will keep them to myself.
I hope you find clarity soon.
Also? It makes perfect sense to me, and I haven't had booze or medication in...umm...years.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
I really hope everything works out. I am horribly naive about marriage matters, but would Viagra or somesuch help?
It is tough to accept your mate for who they are. He is probably going through something similar! Since you can't solve anything by looking outside the marriage, you had best get to work voicing your feelings within the marriage. Counseling will surely help. My husband and I did something through our church called "Wordwide Marriage Encounter." It was like a retreat thing, and it deals with all issues, so you can focus on the one that is particular to you.
I highly recommend counseling. Both personal and couples'. That's the only thing that's saved my marriage and saved me from a personal Hell. Without it I would be bitter and pretty much impossible to be around. As it is, I got on meds for anxiety and depression and now, a couple of years later, I'm getting off those meds and on with my life.
I'm a relative newlywed(5.5yrs) but we've been through a lot already. We are in what would be technically considered a sexless marriage and it sucks for both of us. We just both had to make the decision that we were in it for the duration. I choose every day to be with my husband, as Hallmark-y as that sounds. And it's much easier to say this stuff now looking back than it would've been to say these things at the time.
Sorry for the long comment. I guess what I want to say is that I think marriage has the ability to be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your life and can also be one of the most suffocating feelings ever. I hope that you can find a resolution that brings you some kind of inner peace.
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