In other news, my husband and I went out on a "date" last night for the first time in about 4-5 months. By date, I mean we went to dinner without the buffer of friends to tune out the silence between us. I have to admit, it was pretty painful. Besides the fact that 90% of the time I sat staring at the goings-on of the restaurant and trying to find a happy place, the conversation we did have consisted of ridiculously mundane and forced context. After all this time, he doesn't have a clue who I am. I will say, he has been trying to be a positive, less critical version of himself, but even these things can't disguise the fact that we just don't have anything in common. Add to that the lack of attraction, and basically I am living with my brother! If I wasn't so financially challenged I would find a peaceful way to separate, but for the time being I am trying to hold on to that glimmer of hope that some magical unicorn will wake me from my dreams and give me the ability to love my husband. However the daunting reality of starting over in the real world frankly exhausts even thinking about it. Unless of course, Jon Stewart suddenly becomes available. How I would love to hit that! Anyways, I have been finding other activities that keep me busy, happy and creative. I am more diligent with my writing (obviously not here), there has been big news at work that has gotten me excited for things to come and I am surrounded by some really beautiful, smart, funny and caring women (which I am extremely thankful for.) It is actually the first time in my life where I have regular interaction with that ever-elusive female creature, and it makes such a positive difference. Back to my writing, I have really found comfort in spending time elaborating on ideas I had previously just jotted down with the thought of getting to "someday." I am really trying to focus on me and what makes me happy, which I haven't ever really done because it has always been about somebody else. So in conclusion I would like to say that women rule and I am truly inspired by all the blogs I have been introduced to. I want to share a quote I found in on of my journals from highschool, that I have always really loved and but never truly believed I had in myself, until now! Unfortunately I don't know the author, but if anyone does, please share....
There is a greatness waiting for you. We are busy, we are distracted, we are cynical, but this greatness waits. This greatness finds you in a moment, unlikely or untimely and suddenly you find yourself connected to humanity in a way that shocks you. And this greatness will hold you up so high and strong that any previous version of yourself seems flimsy.
I am still waiting for my moment, but I know it is out there and the prospect of it gives me hope and passion to pursue my dreams.
6 comments:
We could be cut from the same cloth, you and I.
If we were neighbors, I think we'd be friends.
I really do grok (sorry, sometimes I'm a demi-geek) what you are feeling.
There's not a day goes by I don't ask every god that's listening to please, please let me fall in love with my husband. I don't think they're listening.
Meanwhile, I have a spare room in Georgia if you want it. I won't even charge rent, but you have to do a chore to live here. Oh, wait...if that were true, I'd live alone since I'm the only one doing them 'round here! :-) If you're hitting John Stewart, I won't tell...as long as I can have Mike Rowe...
Good for you for opening up to your creativity and finding an outlet there. Hurrah for friends who surround you and give you a place to shine.
For some reason, the quote reminds me of that country song about the fellow about to jump off a bridge (which could be any of them, huh? with a chorus of "I've had my moments, days in the sun, moments, I was second to none, moments when I finally did what I thought I'd never do..." or something like that.
Sorry this is so long - believe it or not, I shortened it. I hope you find clarity, strength, and a winning lottery ticket around the next bend.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
you are so strong and YOUNG and going to be happy because although you may not feel it, you exude it.
Also, you've been tagged. Visit my blog to see what that means.
And I'm glad you're staying on the meds and so is E.
why the fuck would you go off the meds anyway when you are certain that you need them, chemically that is? i just got on after suspecting, for about 20 years, that i really need them. good choice to stay on the meds esp as you grapple with such big issues. have you read "eat, pray,love?" really liked it. not that it will fix your problems.
yeah so i havent had sex with my husband in about 18 months. granted there was a high-risk pregnancy and since then a baby but still. my grace period is over i guess but i still dont want to. getting on zoloft wont help my case. but i figure if i am in a better mood maybe i'll be more inclined to give him a blowjob every now and again? shit. as it was the most action he's gotten was my reluctant cooperation as we donated sperm monthly to a lesbian couple. it took a year to get them pregnant so i was sort of guilt free for that time period. now i'm kind of fucked. or not.
If it makes you feel any better I don't want to have sex with my husband either and I really wish I did. He just called me from the road telling me he had stopped at one of those trucker sex stores and bought us a sex tape to watch tonight when he gets home. Yuck.
Hang in there sweetie, and keep trying. Remember, you may not want to have sex with the next husband either. :-)
Oh, ugh, I really don't like coming back and seeing I've left typos! I swear, I have keyboard gremlins!
...(which could be any of them, huh?)... <---I forgot to close that parenthesis...or a gremlin ate it. I'm going with the gremlin. Sorry 'bout that!
I did love "Eat, pray, love" and the timing of when I read it was pretty uncanny. I was almost ready to leave it all behind and run off for a year!
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