Well, Mr. I've Got My Panties in a Wad just got home so I am gonna jump in the shower then hide my nose in a book. Until next time my lovelies, I bid you adieu!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Mommy, I want to get off the see-saw now!
Well, then! I started with the antidepressants again, but I don't think I am completely back to normal, well, not normal, but at least the way I was before. And thank Thor I did, because my confusion and self-doubt is worse than ever. A little background might help. Around the end of December I planned to move out of my house and take a break from my husband. After packing up all my things, putting a deposit on an apartment and resigning myself to the fact that I had a made yet another mistake in my life, I couldn't go through with it. I decided to stay and try to work it out. Since then, I 've not been able to get past the things that happened between my husband and I that made me decide to leave in the first place. I know, vague, right...but I don't have the energy to get into right now. So, everyday since that pivotal moment has been an absolute struggle. He has actually been bearable, yet I can't seem to help feeling like the life is being drained out of me whenever I am near him. Plus, you would think that after an emotional drama, like almost moving out, there would be this other-worldly make-up period. But no, nothing. I think I am finally ready to admit to myself that the reason I didn't leave was fear. I am afraid to get divorced, I am afraid I won't make it financially on my own and I am afraid to start over. What a way to live! The reason my marriage hasn't improved is because my heart isn't in it, I know now for sure that I am /will be leaving for the right reasons when I finally dust off my cajones. I feel guilty for not being able to give him my love, but isn't it better for both of us to just move on? I'm just rambling now and I am exhausted. Is it wrong to expect a 40 year-old man to possess a bit of maturity and throw less than 3 tantrums a day!? I work with kids and I can handle it when a toddler is freaking out, but not when it is the person I am going to have to spend the rest of my life with. He always brings up the argument that I made a commitment when we got married. He's right, but I didn't really know what I was getting into and I don't even like the person he is now. Isn't there some sort of clause, like the "you turned into a total nut-case after we got married-clause?" I promised my self I wouldn't sit down and complain cuz there are a lot of people out there with some real problems, but what the hell. I am the guest of honor at my own pity party and I am going to enjoy it. I just at a big bowl of ice cream (it was fat-free so I only feel half as bad about it) and now i am going to have a glass of wine or 7. If you read all of that I feel like I should end on a positive note, so let me think. Ummm, I had a great idea for a story last night, so I was excited. I would like to publish some children's books someday, so when I say stories, that's what I mean. Nothing like a novel or anything adult like that!
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4 comments:
Hmm...maybe you're the other me I keep thinking I am. Sort that one out!
When you marry, you marry the person you think you know. You're taking them at face value because we're SUPPOSED to be honest with the people we're planning to spend a chunk of our lives with. Unless you've written your own vows, they don't usually include anything about hanging on while someone has a complete psychotic meltdown or radical personality change. They usually mention better, worse, and all that happy horse shit, but I don't think "worse" implies sticking it out when the marriage is built on a foundation of lies - lies being anything from "Oops, I forgot to mention that I'm an axe-murdering fugitive!" to "I am going to woo you with one personality, but as soon as I am comfortable with you and know you can't run away, I'm going to change into an entirely different person and you just have to suck it up and cope with it because I will refuse to acknowledge my assery..." Sorry, I ran out of breath.
It's not a happy thought, coming to the realization that you're staying with the marriage because you can't afford to leave. Plenty of women have done that. There are a significant number of days in the year when that's the only thing that keeps me wed. That and I don't want to deprive my son of his father just because I went nuts and couldn't stand the man any more, because all the tiny little lies finally built up into one big noise and I loathe the way he breaths and sneezes and walks and chews his food and...uh...sorry, tangent.
It's not the big things that wear down the relationship...it's the little ones. Whack a block of stone with another stone, chance are it'll be fine, it'll recover from the hit. Drip water on it continuously, day and night, drip, drip, drip, and the stone will fail. It'll crumble, be worn down to a nubbin. Little things.
I don't think it's wrong to hope that someone will grow the hell up, realize they're not in their mama's house any more, and they must take responsibility for their chosen life and work at it a bit. And if only one of the pair is doing the work...it's not a see saw, it's a carnival ride.
I wish there was a magic pill, a reset button, something that could make it all right. Sigh.
Oh and? It's YOUR blog, so you get to write whatever you want to in it. It's a beautiful thing.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
That's a toughie. And always feel free to vent on your blog. That's what it's hear for, and seriously, if anyone wants to play the Pain Olympics, punch 'em in the face.
Or let me do it.
Let me know if there's anything I can do from afar, yo.
Sorry to hear about things. I hope that everything will work itself out.
I totally agree with Becky....it is your blog and feel free to bitch away. I have been doing just that for some time now.
hello? are you me?? this is my first ever "comment"... and i warn you, i ramble, but i feel i just HAVE to right now. i myself, married a jekyl/hyde... only knew him 6 months, but sheesh! i'm 30, been raising a boy on my own since 20... have done all sorts of really cool shit- i "know" good people when i see them... um, not so much. we had a monster baby together, and that "light switch" turned to "on".... i remember, after getting locked out of my own house (that i paid for) on my first mother's day bc i had drank wine with my sister and mother (true story)... and the subsequent fight that followed- railing to him "i didn't even get to get post partem bc of you and your horse shit!". struck me as kind of funny, but oh so not funny... so i woke up one day, and decided- so what if i have 2 babydaddy... i'd rather be the "slut" i always wanted to be, then stay one more minute with a controlling, crying, meglomaniac who would flip his shit on me for no reason and measure the wine in the bottle...(true story)
with that ramble- i wish i was there for you to take you shopping for cheap wine glasses and equally cheap wine... we would drink straight out of the bottle (old skool) and you would use those wine glasses for breaking as needed.... trust me, feels good....
-sending you a hug from portland
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