Mommy, I want to get off the see-saw now!

Well, then!  I started with the antidepressants again, but I don't think I am completely back to normal, well, not normal, but at least the way I was before.  And thank Thor I did, because my confusion and self-doubt is worse than ever.  A little background might help.  Around the end of December I planned to move out of my house and take a break from my husband.  After packing up all my things, putting a deposit on an apartment and resigning myself to the fact that I had a made yet another mistake in my life, I couldn't go through with it.  I decided to stay and try to work it out.  Since then, I 've not been able to get past  the things that  happened between my husband and I that made me decide to leave in the first place.  I know, vague, right...but I don't have the energy to get into right now.  So, everyday since that pivotal moment has been an absolute struggle.  He has actually been bearable, yet I can't seem to help feeling like the life is being drained out of me whenever I am near him.  Plus, you would think that after an emotional drama, like almost moving out, there would be this other-worldly make-up period.  But no, nothing.  I think I am finally ready to admit to myself that the reason I didn't leave was fear.  I am afraid to get divorced, I am afraid I won't make it financially on my own and I am afraid to start over.  What a way to live!  The reason my marriage hasn't improved is because my heart isn't in  it, I know now for sure that I am /will be leaving for the right reasons when I finally dust off my cajones.  I feel guilty for not being able to give him my love, but isn't it better for both of us to just move on? I'm just rambling now and I am exhausted. Is it wrong to expect a 40 year-old man to possess a bit of maturity and throw less than 3 tantrums a day!?  I work with kids and I can handle it when a toddler is freaking out, but not when it is the person I am going to have to spend the rest of my life with.  He always brings up the argument that  I made a commitment when we got married.  He's right, but I didn't really know what I was getting into and I don't even like the person he is now.  Isn't there some sort of clause, like the "you turned into a total nut-case after we got married-clause?"  I promised my self I wouldn't sit down and complain cuz there are a lot of people out there with some real problems, but what the hell. I am the guest of honor at my own pity party and I am going to enjoy it.  I just at a big bowl of ice cream (it was fat-free so I only feel half as bad about it) and now i am going to have a glass of wine or 7.  If you read all of that I feel like I should end on a positive note, so let me think.  Ummm, I had a great idea for a story last night, so I was excited.  I would like to publish some children's books someday, so when I say stories, that's what I mean.  Nothing like a novel or anything adult like that! 

Well, Mr. I've Got My Panties in a Wad just got home so I am gonna jump in the shower then hide my nose in a book.  Until next time my lovelies, I bid you adieu! 

Tagged by a MEME?

Whatever the hell that means, it must be some blogger lingo I am not hip enough  to be down and jiggy with.  But since Stephanie sent it, I will do it, cuz let's face it, I would do anything that woman asked me to!  So here's the schtick...

 1) Link to the person who tagged you.   Stephanie

2) Post the rules.

3) Share 6 non-important things/ habits/quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least 3 people.

5) Be sure the people you tagged know you tagged them by commenting that you did.

Wow, 6 things... this could take awhile. Ummmm, let's see

1. When I was 19 I met my true love.  Being my first real boyfriend I was devastated to find out he was moving back to his native Norway.  Being the devoted lover I am, I went with him.  I stayed there for about a year and a half before returning home broken-hearted.  But if I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing.

2. I used to love to eat mac'n'cheese with crunched up Doritos.  Mmmm, cheesy! Now if I even smelled it I would probably gain 5 lbs.

3. This is harder than I thought, I'm not very interesting!  I've tried all sorts of diets, but the weirdest one had to be where I would eat cereal for breakfast, a bagel with cream cheese, carrots and a diet Coke for lunch, then I would run 5 miles and come home and eat a can of beans.  I was a vegetarian at the time and needless to say a little gassy!  It's no Nutrisystem, but it worked.  (Although I don't believe it is doctor recommended)

4. I love older men!  If they have a grey streak, oh mama!  Sam Elliot, Richard Dean Anderson, Pierce Brosnan, Jon Stewart... whew, is it getting hot in here?

5. I can't stand romantic-comedies, there is something about them that makes me cringe and throw-up a little in my mouth.  Give me an action flick any day!

6. I still sing in my car and I don't give a shit if anyone sees me!  I smile and keep on belting it out, because let's face it, at least the dying cat is contained!  It's really a public service.

Alrighty then, I hope that was mildly entertaining because that literally took me a half hour!  So I am tagging my new friends at  kyddryn, Catherine, and Catwoman

I hope I did that right.

First Date (Again)

Well, after some sound advice from friends and deep thinking of my own, I came to the conclusion that the world will be a better place if I stay on my meds.  I feel good about it and I think that is what's important.  One less depressed woman in the world is good for everyone!

In other news, my husband and I went out on a "date" last night for the first time in about 4-5 months.   By date, I mean we went to dinner without the buffer of friends to tune out the silence between us.  I have to admit, it was pretty painful.  Besides the fact that 90% of the time I sat staring at the goings-on of the restaurant and trying to find a happy place, the conversation we did have consisted of ridiculously mundane and forced context.  After all this time, he doesn't have a clue who I am.  I will say, he has been trying to be a positive, less critical version of himself, but even these things can't disguise the fact that we just don't have anything in common.  Add to that the lack of attraction, and basically I am living with my brother!  If I wasn't so financially challenged I would find a peaceful way to separate, but for the time being I am trying to hold on to that glimmer of hope that some magical unicorn will wake me from my dreams and give me the ability to love my husband.  However the daunting reality of starting over in the real world frankly exhausts even thinking about it.  Unless of course, Jon Stewart suddenly becomes available.  How I would love to hit that!  Anyways, I have been finding other activities that keep me busy, happy and creative.  I am more diligent with my writing (obviously not here), there has been big news at work that has gotten me excited for things to come and I am surrounded by some really beautiful, smart, funny and caring women (which I am extremely thankful for.)  It is actually the first time in my life where I have regular interaction with that ever-elusive female creature, and it makes such a positive difference.  Back to my writing, I have really found comfort in spending time elaborating on ideas I had previously just jotted down with the thought of getting to "someday."  I am really trying to focus on me and what makes me happy, which I haven't ever really done because it has always been about somebody else.  So in conclusion  I would like to say that women rule and I am truly inspired by all the blogs I have been introduced to.  I want to share a quote I found in on of my journals from highschool, that I have always really loved and but never truly believed I had in myself, until now!  Unfortunately I don't know the author, but if anyone does, please share....

There is a greatness waiting for you.  We are busy, we are distracted, we are cynical, but this greatness waits.  This greatness finds you in a moment, unlikely or untimely and suddenly you find yourself connected to humanity in a way that shocks you.  And this greatness will hold you up so high and strong that any previous version of yourself seems flimsy.

I am still waiting for my moment, but I know it is out there and the prospect of it gives me hope and passion to pursue my dreams.

Finally!

Jeez Louise!  Finally back to the computer.  My husband had a friend over for a few days and they practically commandeered the studio!  

 So, as I have been reading more and more blogs, I am feeling a little inadequate. Do they have anything for "Blog Envy"?  I have been writing little snip-its here and there, but most of you guys (who are moms no less)  write paragraphs of content.  Maybe I am not as interesting as I thought I was!  However, I am trying to push through my self-diminishing thoughts and continue on in my great Blog adventure.

  So, in my effort to live a more natural and healthy life, I have been weaning myself off of my anti-depressants.  Things were going well, "were" being the operative word, until about yesterday.  Now, I think it is important to note that my depression is not psychological, but chemical (at least that is what my doctor told me) and runs in my family.  Basically we are all NUTS!  I am a happy, care-free, life-loving individual, but (and this is a big but) when I am not on my medication I will cry and not want to get out of bed for no reason whatsoever.  And based on my experience, this is not a very productive way to live.   So, like I said, things were going well until yesterday, it was about a week since I had my last fix of the meds, when I was sitting at a stop light on my way home from work and things just kind of stopped.  Have you ever had a moment (when you were sober) when it seems like the powers that be just pushed the Pause button?  So, I am sitting in my car and I felt like I had just been asked to solve the African AIDS epidemic.  I had such an overwhelming feeling of pressure and anxiety, my eyes welled-up right there.  I had to snap back to reality when the car behind me honked its horn because the light was green.  I managed to make it home and safely to my bed where I tried to remind myself that I was a big girl and could handle this.  So, anyways, now I am having doubts as to whether or not this whole clean living thing was such a good idea!  I am hoping that if I give it a little more time things will get better...

Can I Get a Woo-Woo?

I just wanted to make a blanket "Thank You" to all the peeps that stopped by on account of Stefanie's blog.  She is an awesome woman!  So I hope to make many new friends and look forward to hearing more about all of you!  Hope everyone is having a cheap, relaxing, no-expectation filled Valentine's and let us be thankful it only comes once a year!  I suggest an unofficial boycott of this "holiday," it's just one of those things I can't really get behind. (Unless you're a parent, then it's good for the kids, but come on people, do you really need a $7 card, chocolates and over-priced flowers to make you feel loved?)  Now, Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept.19), that is a day I can really support.  Nobody is expecting anything from you, you don't have to spend a dubloon if you choose and if anything, personal hygiene can be tossed to the wind.  So, I'll remind you, when it comes around next year, but I think with a little more public awareness we could take Pirate Day national.  Could you imagine that Hallmark card?  

Aaaaaargh, Just so's ye know,

Ye be a fair lass

What ye lack in teeth,  aaaaargh,

Ye make up with ass.

Now, that's romantic!

Cat Crazy

I have also come to the stark realization that this may very well be me in the near future.  I talk more about my cats than anything else. It is quite disturbing actually!  I am going to be that woman who lives in a house covered with ivy, has 45 cats ( all named Fluffy) and speaks gibberish.  Actually, when I look at it that way, it doesn't sound so bad!  

Coming Out of the Dark!

No, not the song... I mean to use it as a metaphor.  I am hoping to use this platform to mediate some of the current and on-going issues that I've had on my mind.  In a word SEX!  There I said it.  So, my husband (of a year and a half) and I have not been intimate (to be PC) since September.  At first it was his lack of interest that led to our dry spell (which has now become a drought-producing desert!), but as the months have drug on I find myself unable to imagine even having to kiss him let alone performing any sort of sexual deviation!  Now, needless  to say my feelings are based on certain things that have happened over the course of our relationship, which I won't bore you with now, that I just can't get myself to get over!  I found myself lying in bed last night trying to sleep when I realized I have no freakin' idea what I am going to do!  Depending on the day I am either looking for a new place to move or convincing myself that we will work it out!   So, on the all too familiar occasion when I am lying in bed considering lesbianism, I tend to have random revelations.  Here is one I will share... sorry I couldn't think of a better transition...

When I wake up in the morning it is still  dark outside, so I stumble to my bathroom to get ready.  Coming from complete darkness, I turn on the light and am blinded.  I have to cover my eyes, blink a few times and then gradually I am able to take in and focus on the things around me.  So, friends, this is where the brilliant metaphor comes in...  When I met my husband he was perfect I didn't see who he really was; I was in the dark.  After we got married, he flipped the switch and I was rudely blinded by that damn light!  Everything came flooding in. At this point in our marriage I feel like I am still in the blinking stage, I don't know what is what but things are beginning to become clear.  And I hope to Hesus that I obtain some focus soon!  Does that make sense?  It did when I thought about it last night, but then again I had also downed some muscle relaxers with a shot of vodka.

I Need Another Fix

So, I am quickly coming to the realization that I am going to be an addict.  To posting, that is!  Wah wa!  I am discovering that my lack of social and communication skills can be overcome through writing.  By putting my thoughts and feelings out to the scrutiny of complete strangers, I have no choice but to be confident in what I am saying.  I am well aware, however, that most  things will be complete gibberish to anyone but myself.  But there is the slim chance that there is an individual out there who will see this and think, " Hey, I know exactly what she means!"  Regardless, being able to see my insanity in text gives me a certain comfort.  So, as I am trying to decide the course my life will take over the next few months, I think I will have a lot to contribute to this little blog o' mine.  Be it my career ( or lack thereof), or my marriage (or lack thereof) or what I should do with my hair I look forward to this avenue of self-expression and complete freedom that I feel is stifled in other aspects of my life.  So, onward and upward...

Popping the Cherry

Wow, my first blog post, I feel so worldly!  I finally felt it was time for me to jump on the blog bandwagon.  I successfully avoided this newfangled contraption up until a couple weeks ago when I looked at a friend's blog and was inspired! (Cue choir of Angels!)  This was the perfect outlet for all the ignored feelings and thoughts I produce on a daily basis.  Here I would have the semblance of some reciprocation for what I consider to be valuable , if not life changing, opinions.  So, in my ever elusive quest to find myself and say, "Hey, you're alright," I'm going to try the healing powers of "The Blog."  Hey, at least I won't contract any open sores...