Jell-o Jiggler

In the attempt to have a body that doesn't clear the beach this summer, I have slowly but surely been adhering to and building up a work-out routine.  It's been 3 weeks and I am up to 4 times a week.  You might think, "So?", but take into consideration I have had a previous work out schedule of 2 times a year!   Slow and steady wins the race, right? Now, lest you give me more credit than I deserve, when I say "work-out" I am referring to the 30-45 minute "Biggest Loser" DVD that has become my own personal trainer. Never watched the show, but I could relate with the title, so I am giving it a try; alternating with another DVD  I had already. And man does it kick your butt!  I detest going to the gym; the harsh lighting, the gawking, grunting, squatting men and skinny bitches in spandex with their cute little iPods.  I know some would say, "Hey, it's motivation!" I on the other hand would prefer to jiggle in the sanctity of my own home.  The only glances I attract are from my lazy cats (it's not like they couldn't stand to lose a few) and my mirror only reflects my body from the chest up!  It's a win-win!  Hopefully all this will lead to a more healthy life-style and more importantly feeling comfortable in something other than a mu mu. 

I have always had a problem with my weight and finding a healthy balance between diet and exercise.  As a teenager I struggled with bulimia, I would run 7-8 miles, eat next to nothing, then throw-up when I did.  Gross, right?  But, I couldn't help it.  I finally put that behind me, but it is a constant fear that lingers.  I tend to go to extremes when it comes to my body and I hope I can maintain a balance now that I am older and (supposedly) wiser.  Wow, that was heavy!  (bad choice of words!) 

 I just realized as I am sitting here pouring out my darkest secrets that my next-door neighbor is scaling my fence looking for his dog that has apparently escaped, again! It's a beautiful husky that I think must be his girlfriend's, because it only comes over every once in a awhile, but he doesn't stay put for long.  As long as he doesn't doody on my lawn or eat our fish, I don't mind.  But it is funny watching this guy try to wrangle him in.   Anywhoo... wish me luck,  and lots of love to everyone else out there who is in the midst of the timeless "Battle of the Bulge!"

An Amazon in Lumpa Land

I have finally emerged from the virtual black hole I have been calling home.  I don't know why my enthusiasm to write was so stunted, maybe I felt like I didn't have anything important to say.  But now that no one is probably going to read this, it doesn't really matter.  Actually I have just been lazy and not feeling at the top of my game.

I just remembered something funny that happened this weekend.  I had quite the "Amazonian" moment at my local Vons.  I was casually perusing the produce section for some avocados in my flip-flops and sundress, when I was approached by an employee.  Now, I say "approached," but it was more like hunted down.  He was across the room stocking some tomatoes and felt the need to make a bee-line towards me. He was like a lion hunting his prey and before I knew it, he was upon me. Wide-eyed and mouth agape, he sidled up beside me.  An important note to make is that as a tall girl- 5'11- I have grown accustomed to the idiotic questions and banter ("Duh, you must have played basketball" or "Garsh, are you a model?" or some other completely boneheaded statement that has nothing to do with me as a person!) that harangue a woman of my stature during introductions, however when a complete stranger comes up to me and begins making asinine remarks, it tends to really irritate me.  So, as I am trying to choose an avocado worthy of my famous guacamole, this man, all 5'4 of him comes up to me and in a heavy Mexican accent asks, "Geez, how tall are you?! and you're not even wearing heels."  He then embarks on a 5 minute rant about how tall I am and that I never have to wear high heels and how tall I am!  Oy!  I did my best to be civil and brush him off as soon as possible, but he just wouldn't let it go.  I mean, I don't go up to short people and ask them how short they are and go on about how cute their little feet are, and I don't go up to really obese people and say, "Wow, you are so fat, how much do you weigh?"  Why is it perfectly acceptable to oggle  tall people?  I understand that if you are "vertically challenged" and wish you were taller, you would envy a tall person.  But I wish I had bigger boobs, that doesn't mean I go up to women with a nice rack and ask them their bra size and cop a feel!  I guess I should take it as a compliment, but sometimes it makes me feel like a Ripley's Believe It or Not Attraction.  So, power to the tall women and the short men who admire them! (But, hey Men, admire from a distance!)

Up the Stakes!

I just finished watching one of my favorite shows: MXC- Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.  I actually came across the original when I was living in Norway (which was dubbed in German for some reason) and a few years ago found the English dubbed version, which is hysterical!  I can't be the only one who love all these Japanese game shows because they keep popping up everywhere.  I think American TV needs to take some direction from these programs and keep up with the times.  You can't just play word puzzles or guessing games, you have to put your life on the line!  It's like that Schwarzenegger movie, Running Man.  American Gladiators and Fear Factor has come close, but I need a little more on the line than going up against roided-out meat heads and eating vile concoctions.  So, I was thinking about some of the ways we could re-vamp our shows to be a more competitive form of entertainment with our eastern brothers and sisters.

- The Apprentice would become Which Appendage?

- Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?/ Are You Quicker Than an Angry Gator?

- Dancing with the Stars/ Dancing with Jaguars

- Who Wants to be a Millionaire?/ Who Can Live Longer Without Air?

- Deal or No Deal/  Meal or No Meal (Choose the case with the most food)

- The Moment of Truth/  The Moment of Truth (Except you are connected to electrical circuits, if you lie, you get zapped!)

- American Idol/ Outrun a Tidal (Wave)

Okay, now I'm stretching!  But you know what I mean. I guess it's not fair cuz I don't watch any of those shows, but I think I would if producers would take a cue from these more outrageous programs, they could really be on to something.  And maybe relieve a little problem I call "over-population."  What? Did I go too far?  Ahhhhh, I am a little buzzed right now.  I had to bitch-slap my husband for messing with my socks.  I mean come on, who pulls off a woman's sock?  Honestly! Just when I had maintained the perfect mean body temperature.   

Anywhoo, if you are as enthralled as a I am by the willingness of people to brutalize their bodies for entertainment there is some great stuff out there!  Check out : Human Tetris or  MXC . It's all good fun, ladies and yentleman!

Los Gatos

I just realized that I have never posted any pics of the characters who actually run my house.  Of course, they let my husband and I believe we are in charge, but when it comes down to it, we are just mindless robots who do their bidding.  Here they are on their pimp chair.  I could probably make a fur sweater out of all the hair that has collected in its dark crevices.  Is there a market for cat hair sweaters?  We adopted them about 7 months ago, so their past is a little sketchy.  They had to do some things on the street that they aren't proud of but we love them unconditionally and are helping them work through their issues.  They look so innocent don't they?  But I think we are only instruments for their eventual take-over of the world.  I could go on all day about my cats, but I won't.  If you'd like to hear more you can send me a special request and I'd be happy to oblige.  I won't go so far as starting their own blog, which apparently some pet owners do, but they have a special sort of club that I don't think I am hip enough to be a part of.  (I love ending sentences with prepositions!  Hah, take that high school English teachers!)  

It is my second day of being off work and I am already bored.  Plus I think I gained about 5 lbs. from watching so much Food Network.  Now, granted I love those cooking shows, but I can't help thinking that we have an entire channel dedicated to food and cooking. No wonder Americans are viewed as greedy and capitalistic.  Here we are cooking and wasting food for entertainment when there are millions of people in the world who are dying of starvation.  I mean, honestly, unless all that prepared food is going to a soup kitchen, I can only assume it feeds the crew or winds up in the trash bin.  I am not trying to be all righteous, ( I don't think it's even possible) I guess I was just feeling guilty today.  My soapbox was getting a little dusty so I had to clean it off  and give it some love.   Stay tuned for more meaningless rants and raves ...

Fresh Meat!

It is kind of sad that I already consider my meat old!  That doesn't sound right at all!  The meat I am referring to, is Blog Meat.  A very good friend of mine just started her own blog about the adventures of preschool teacherdom.  She is really great and  I think you should check her out at Preschoolers Gone Wild.  We are co-teachers for a class of 3-year-olds, I know, they actually let me teach children.  Actually I just play and yell all day, but it is an exact science.  40% Play and 60% Yell.  

That's all for now... I am beat!  Buenas Noches Bitches!

Fresh Meat

Peep Show!

Greetings my loyal subjects!  (Don't mind my self-flattery, just a little validation to keep me getting out of bed in the AM)  I haven't had anything to bitch about lately and realized that I don't just have to write about grievances.  So, in current news...

I am 90% convinced that aliens have snatched my husband and replaced him with a replicant!  There is no other way to explain his drastic change in attitude and outlook! He is funny, goofy, sweet and treating me like his loving wife. (I'm pretty sure he hasn't picked up any new drug habits)  But, I  find myself on edge waiting for the  day the aliens realize what they got themselves into and send my original husband's ass hurtling back to earth!  I have been trying to relax and enjoy this new-found peaceful vibe, without worrying how long it will last.  I am hoping if I can just believe it, it will be permanent!  

In other news, I don't have to work next week!  Hallelujah, praise Odin!  A whole week to sleep past sunrise, drink a cup of tea in my jammies and enjoy the peace and quiet!  Except for the occasional freight train that blows through my backyard wailing on its horn, things are pretty mellow out here.

Don't have any plans for Easter.  We don't have kids and I am not what you would call the "religious type"  so I think we'll just be lazy and eat a box of Peeps!  Man, those things are gross, but it's tradition.

I am excited because it is Wednesday and that means Top Chef is on.  I am so glad they planned it to take the place of Project Runway because I would have had a hard time making it over Hump Day without it!

I won't bore you with anymore menial information, just wanted to check in and make sure you didn't forget about me!  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and enjoyed the Peep show!