Up the Stakes!

I just finished watching one of my favorite shows: MXC- Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.  I actually came across the original when I was living in Norway (which was dubbed in German for some reason) and a few years ago found the English dubbed version, which is hysterical!  I can't be the only one who love all these Japanese game shows because they keep popping up everywhere.  I think American TV needs to take some direction from these programs and keep up with the times.  You can't just play word puzzles or guessing games, you have to put your life on the line!  It's like that Schwarzenegger movie, Running Man.  American Gladiators and Fear Factor has come close, but I need a little more on the line than going up against roided-out meat heads and eating vile concoctions.  So, I was thinking about some of the ways we could re-vamp our shows to be a more competitive form of entertainment with our eastern brothers and sisters.

- The Apprentice would become Which Appendage?

- Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?/ Are You Quicker Than an Angry Gator?

- Dancing with the Stars/ Dancing with Jaguars

- Who Wants to be a Millionaire?/ Who Can Live Longer Without Air?

- Deal or No Deal/  Meal or No Meal (Choose the case with the most food)

- The Moment of Truth/  The Moment of Truth (Except you are connected to electrical circuits, if you lie, you get zapped!)

- American Idol/ Outrun a Tidal (Wave)

Okay, now I'm stretching!  But you know what I mean. I guess it's not fair cuz I don't watch any of those shows, but I think I would if producers would take a cue from these more outrageous programs, they could really be on to something.  And maybe relieve a little problem I call "over-population."  What? Did I go too far?  Ahhhhh, I am a little buzzed right now.  I had to bitch-slap my husband for messing with my socks.  I mean come on, who pulls off a woman's sock?  Honestly! Just when I had maintained the perfect mean body temperature.   

Anywhoo, if you are as enthralled as a I am by the willingness of people to brutalize their bodies for entertainment there is some great stuff out there!  Check out : Human Tetris or  MXC . It's all good fun, ladies and yentleman!

Los Gatos

I just realized that I have never posted any pics of the characters who actually run my house.  Of course, they let my husband and I believe we are in charge, but when it comes down to it, we are just mindless robots who do their bidding.  Here they are on their pimp chair.  I could probably make a fur sweater out of all the hair that has collected in its dark crevices.  Is there a market for cat hair sweaters?  We adopted them about 7 months ago, so their past is a little sketchy.  They had to do some things on the street that they aren't proud of but we love them unconditionally and are helping them work through their issues.  They look so innocent don't they?  But I think we are only instruments for their eventual take-over of the world.  I could go on all day about my cats, but I won't.  If you'd like to hear more you can send me a special request and I'd be happy to oblige.  I won't go so far as starting their own blog, which apparently some pet owners do, but they have a special sort of club that I don't think I am hip enough to be a part of.  (I love ending sentences with prepositions!  Hah, take that high school English teachers!)  

It is my second day of being off work and I am already bored.  Plus I think I gained about 5 lbs. from watching so much Food Network.  Now, granted I love those cooking shows, but I can't help thinking that we have an entire channel dedicated to food and cooking. No wonder Americans are viewed as greedy and capitalistic.  Here we are cooking and wasting food for entertainment when there are millions of people in the world who are dying of starvation.  I mean, honestly, unless all that prepared food is going to a soup kitchen, I can only assume it feeds the crew or winds up in the trash bin.  I am not trying to be all righteous, ( I don't think it's even possible) I guess I was just feeling guilty today.  My soapbox was getting a little dusty so I had to clean it off  and give it some love.   Stay tuned for more meaningless rants and raves ...

Fresh Meat!

It is kind of sad that I already consider my meat old!  That doesn't sound right at all!  The meat I am referring to, is Blog Meat.  A very good friend of mine just started her own blog about the adventures of preschool teacherdom.  She is really great and  I think you should check her out at Preschoolers Gone Wild.  We are co-teachers for a class of 3-year-olds, I know, they actually let me teach children.  Actually I just play and yell all day, but it is an exact science.  40% Play and 60% Yell.  

That's all for now... I am beat!  Buenas Noches Bitches!

Fresh Meat

Peep Show!

Greetings my loyal subjects!  (Don't mind my self-flattery, just a little validation to keep me getting out of bed in the AM)  I haven't had anything to bitch about lately and realized that I don't just have to write about grievances.  So, in current news...

I am 90% convinced that aliens have snatched my husband and replaced him with a replicant!  There is no other way to explain his drastic change in attitude and outlook! He is funny, goofy, sweet and treating me like his loving wife. (I'm pretty sure he hasn't picked up any new drug habits)  But, I  find myself on edge waiting for the  day the aliens realize what they got themselves into and send my original husband's ass hurtling back to earth!  I have been trying to relax and enjoy this new-found peaceful vibe, without worrying how long it will last.  I am hoping if I can just believe it, it will be permanent!  

In other news, I don't have to work next week!  Hallelujah, praise Odin!  A whole week to sleep past sunrise, drink a cup of tea in my jammies and enjoy the peace and quiet!  Except for the occasional freight train that blows through my backyard wailing on its horn, things are pretty mellow out here.

Don't have any plans for Easter.  We don't have kids and I am not what you would call the "religious type"  so I think we'll just be lazy and eat a box of Peeps!  Man, those things are gross, but it's tradition.

I am excited because it is Wednesday and that means Top Chef is on.  I am so glad they planned it to take the place of Project Runway because I would have had a hard time making it over Hump Day without it!

I won't bore you with anymore menial information, just wanted to check in and make sure you didn't forget about me!  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and enjoyed the Peep show!

Do You Ever Feel Like Curly?

Another Year Bites the Dust!

Cheers!  Happy Birthday to Me!

After being sick all last week, my birthday extravaganza has included a lunch at CPK (that's California Pizza Kitchen to the layman) and shopping with a gift card I received for Christmas.  I'm not complaining, I'm quite content with the lack of festivity. I would rather horde my money than blow it all on a party or force my friends to go to an over-priced dinner.  In these trying times I really feel it is best for everyone if we just let it go.  Besides, they can make it up to me on my 30th!  

It was actually an emotionally enlightening weekend.  In my previous post I alluded to some life-changing decisions that would coincide with my birthday, which I had forgotten about due to the incessant ringing in my ear and the flow of mucus pouring out of my nose and the infected sinus-induced haze (TMI, I know.)  I was going to make that, like, the longest run-on sentence ever, but I didn't have it in me.  Anyways, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, life-changing yada- yada...  Without even realizing it, I let go of some major resentment I had been holding towards my husband.  One of the reasons I have been so worried about the success of our marriage was that I was mentally unable to release the anger and resentment I was feeling towards him.  I thought it was going to be one of those things that would perpetually hinder us from moving forward ( and more importantly, getting FREAAKY!)  I woke up on Saturday, it was like any other day, and went about my business.  You know, making the bed, having some tea, scrubbing the skidmarks off the carpet where my cat dragged his ass, typical Saturday morning.  Only this Saturday when my husband went out to clean our fish pond, I actually wanted to go sit outside with him.  I know I talk a lot of shit, and I mean most of it, but in my heart I really love the guy and I know he loves me.  I don't know if the virus affected my brain somehow, but for the first time in about a year, I really enjoyed his company.  We spent the day relaxing, went to dinner and a movie, we held hands, and are you ready for this?  I not only got to 3rd base, I went all the way!  And I wasn't even drunk!  The next day I told him I didn't want to be angry anymore and I was ready to forgive him.  I really hope this is a turning point in our relationship and we can remember what it was like to be in love.  Ahhhhh, that's amore!

Oh, but don't worry, I am still going to torture him and plan malevolent pranks to inflict upon him, however they will all be conceived and orchestrated with love!  As Mr. Burns would say,"Exxccellent."

The Diet-Coke of Evil, Only One Calorie, Not Evil Enough!

I was cracking myself up today thinking about what a bitch I am!  Here's the story...  I have a few hours to myself before my husband gets home from work (which is a godsend!) and sometimes I like to mess with him.  It only works because he is an anal, obsessive, Predictable, perfectionist and I take full advantage of this knowledge. Imagine that psycho husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy" but taken down a notch.  I know he would never pick a physical fight with me, because I could kick his scrawny ass, so I inflict a little mental warfare!  Instead of getting cheesed off when he follows behind me and straightens everything out the way he likes it, I mess things up on purpose.  Now, I'm not talking leaving laundry on the floor or God forbid, dishes in the sink, (he would probably put me in the village stocks), just subtle things that would not be noticeable to the normal human eye.  So, every once in awhile, as was the case yesterday, I play a little poltergeist. Get this, I decided to move the coasters to the side of our coffee table and, (are you ready for this?  I am so devious!) I skewed the dish towel that hangs on the oven door so that it hung uneven.  Now, I know in some countries I could be stoned for this kind of behavior, but the satisfaction I get is soooo worth it!  Here comes the best part.  So, I'm sitting on the couch and I hear his keys in the door , ooooo, I am gonna get him so good!  He walks in looks at me, says "Hi" and goes to the kitchen to set his stuff down, and this is how sick he is.  Before he even turns on the light, he drops his keys on the counter and goes to fix the towel!  I can tell he is a little annoyed and I try not to crack a smile.  When he comes into the living room, he looks around and I see a little squint, like he is thinking really hard.  I know, he knows something is out of place, but he can't figure out what it is. He walks over to the couch and before he says anything, he picks up the coasters, lines them up with the middle of the table (I was surprised he didn't get a compass) and sets them down.  He scours the room once more for anomalies, then proceeds to go upstairs to get on the computer. I didn't conceal my smirk as he diminished into the Bat Cave, but my satisfaction did raise some internal questions.   Is this passive-aggressive behavior wrong?  Taking advantage of one's handicaps for entertainment?  Am I a loser or what for getting such a kick out of this?  Man, I really need to get a life!  Then I watched the season finale of Project Runway and got over it.  However, I am already concocting my next evil scheme: "Operation Leave Dresser Drawer Ajar." Set to commence in early April, it will prove to be my most ambitious endeavor thus far! Sometimes my malisciousness frightens me!

Man, all this evil genius work is making me hungry,  I wish I had some Thin Mints!

Can't a Sister Get Some Peace?

I have been sick for awhile and haven't had the energy to do anything productive, unless sleeping and flipping between the Food Network and HGTV are considered productive.  Came down with some sort of sinus infection that I am soooo over having.  But I thought I should start doing some cardio, hence the typing!  It counts, right?  I am sure it has a lot to do with the sickness, but I have been in a slump lately.  On top of that Mr. Grumpo has been busting my balls.  I thought I might be able to get some insight on something I am really stubborn about.  I have always kept in touch with my ex-es.  Not like meting up and hanging out, but talking or emailing just to see where their lives have taken them.  This is extremely offensive to my husband.  It in no way ever presents itself to him unless he takes it upon himself to go through my phone.  Which was the case last week.  The sneaky bastard actually went through my text messages, lied about it to trap me, them tried to turn it around on me!  As if!!! This issue has come up before and I let him know that I wasn't comfortable cutting people out of my life because he said so.  It passed, but has reared its ugly head once again.  He can't seem to understand why I keep these people in my life and sees it as a very disrespectful act on my and their part to continue.  I have really thought about why I feel so strongly about this subject and have come to the conclusion that: 1. I haven't had very many male figures in my life that I have trusted and 2. I just don't have it in me to cut someone off that I care about.  there is no possibility for a re-kindling of the relationship, I just like to know how they are doing, and it helps to talk with people who were with you at different points in your life to better understand how I am now.  Mr. Possessive doesn't get it and weeps that it really hurts his feelings.  Honestly, I don't care.  I know I am a bitch for saying that, but I don't.  I just want him to shut-up and leave me alone!  Is that too much to ask from a marriage?  Anyways, I am sure if I were a bigger and more well-adjusted person, it wouldn't even be an issue, but this is one of those things I really stick to my guns on.  Whew, I think I feel a few beads of sweat!  Target Heart rate achieved.  

I have a feeling any day now he is going to be off on one of his idiotic rants and I am just going to punch him in the face.  Not say a damn word, just punch him in his ever-running mouth!  Ahhhh and then, sweet silence.  

I have a birthday coming up and it has really forced me to confront some things and I feel like I need to make a decision one way or another, none of this back and forth, one foot in the door and the other out.  It is too exhausting.  So, who knows, this next week could be life-changing.